I’ve been waiting for this year to be over for so long. This is by far the worst year I’ve encountered. I won’t list the things because then it’ll leave soring memories. I’m hoping next year will be much better than this year. So long 08 and hello ‘09.
It was just a few months ago where I thought you were this rude alcoholic. I didn’t even want to bother talking to you because you give off a bad vibe. Now, what the hell? Damn, I must be going crazy. You’re still rude, but hell!
To conclude everything, I think I’m going insane. Yes, that’s it.
Why are we still reflecting on the past. The past was a time that I don’t really want to remember. It’s not like it’s going to change the future. It’s good where we are right now. I don’t care for anything more nor should you expect it. The further things get pushed, the worse my perception of you is. The past is not in your favor nor is the present. Do not push things that you cannot control. It turns you into a pest. (to be continued…I’m getting sleepy)
I guess what I should say is that you are my past. And I should not let you be a part of my present or future. You were once enjoyment to my life but now you’re a conflicting thought. With that, I end this entry.
That was the question that I got and was thinking about the whole weekend. Part of me would. Taking you back requires you to sacrifice a lot and it’s not something I trust you to do. It is in the best interest of both of us to keep things the way that it has been for a while.
This weekend has made me realized a lot. For the first time, I shed tears due to our separation. I never knew how badly you have hurt me. Your past is very well involved in your present and future. I couldn’t believe how naive I was. I should have had a hint when there were things that you were not willing to sacrifice. However, I was too blinded by how well you treated me when we were together.
If you were to that person like how you were to me this past weekend, I’m glad I got out. How shady is it for you to be with someone and try to get back with someone else? Maybe it wasn’t her fault; maybe it was yours. Maybe I’m just being too harsh on her and that she was/is a victim through it all.
How could you treat both of us like that and be okay at the end of the day? Don’t you have a guilty conscience? How could you say one thing and act another? With the questions that you threw at me, how am I supposed to answer it? How selfish were you to put me through all of it? I couldn’t believe that you thought I didn’t have any feelings towards us. That I never cared. And here I thought you got me all figured out.
I may never say anything but I assumed my actions were enough. I guess it was covered by your other pursuer. I’m sorry I’m not the type to cater to you hand and feet. I’m sorry that I don’t drop everything when you call. I’m not your bitch and I probably never will be.
So as of right now, the answer would be no.
A major part of me always wanted to let my guards down and say ‘no it’s not okay’. However, my stubbornness has gotten in the way. Things could have been different. Things has been said and done and it’s better this way for the both of us.
A song that I once put on repeat…
I don’t know what it is. Guys come when I need someone most. However, probably not the best time though. I feel as though it could be a rebound but not really. Before things get out of hand with the current; I’m backing off. I don’t think it’s such a good idea to start something; anything.
We started off as two very different people living in different cities. We were just friends with the same person. I just wanted someone to talk to to get over a love affair. You were just looking for a friend. After talking for a while, we decided to become more than just virtual friends. Before we decided to get together, I thought we had a pretty good understanding of what was going on. After taking one step forward, you decided to take one and a half step backwards while I took the dip. Am I supposed to say, ‘no it’s not okay’? So I went on with it. Little did I know, I was in too deep.
I was always there. No matter what time of day, I was always willing to listen. You, on the other hand, was only there when it was convenient to you therefore I think the only person you care about is yourself. You would say one thing and act another way. How was I supposed to interpret everything? I made analysis to the best of my understanding.
You denied when I say that you don’t miss me. However when I offer to visit, you turn me down every chance possible. Hmm, how am I to interpret that? You showed interest in me but that’s only when you thought that I have moved on. Once again you denied.
Now you’re trying to push me away saying that it was just too much. I don’t even know how to react there. I didn’t know I was such a pain in the ass. WOW! Here I thought everything was mutual. What a fool I turned out to be.
At first I thought, hey I should just break the routine and go for it. Do things that are unpredictable and maybe I’ll be happy. Boy was I wrong. I’ve never been so disappointed at myself. I’ve never been so unsure of myself. How could I have gotten myself this far? I thought it was going to be fun but boy, was I wrong?
Even with everything that went on, I have no regret. I was truthful with myself and everything that I have felt.
From a guy, I want someone that sense what I might need and ask or offer. I want him to take the initiative to see what I need. I don’t want to ask and wait for an answer. He should he considerate enough and reasonable enough to know. For example, if I were to hang around in his area, I want him to offer me a place to stay without me having to ask. I want him to be like, baby, I want you to come visit or I want to come visit you. Not say you should come. That does not say much. In my head it’s like, do you really want me to be there or are you just saying just to say something. I don’t get it and I don’t want to assume. I was told it’s bad to assume.
I want to be swept off my feet. I like expecting the unexpected.
Right now, I feel like I’m losing interest. Nothing excites me; kind of just give me a headache. Ah, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
Right now, I don’t have the heart to jump from one guy to the next. I don’t think it’s healthy for me. Sure it works for some people but just not for me. However, with this, I miss the idea of dating.
For a while now, I’ve been having these feelings. I guess I can start caring for someone again. However, I’m afraid. I don’t want the past to repeat itself and I feel that it will. I am at a situation that I cannot win. If only it was a few years down the road or if I was a robot. I want neither. I want to grasp the moment instead of waiting and I like having feelings.
I recently felt as though I’ve miss someone. It’s something that I have always hated to admit but I do. It’s been one month too long. I guess I am a needy person after all; probably clingy. I express myself in ways that I know best and I guess sometimes it gets the best of me. I want to seize the opportunity because it’s not as though it’s like this every day. I want to ‘grab hold’ on the moment while the moment is still there.
Then again, I cling onto someone when it’s not my place of comfort. When I go out to an unfamiliar area, I stick with the person I came with. That’s just the type of person I am. It takes me a while to adjust and get comfortable. And when I’m near the person, it gives me a sense of comfort and safety.
I don’t want to analyze things but I can not help it but do so. I don’t really care what goes on in between us anymore. I don’t even care to maintain this sham i call friendship. I’m tired of everything being one sided. My promise is only good for a short while until I feel like there’s no reason to keep the promise.
We tend to neglect those that were in our lives since the beginning. I had a friend that I knew since high school. We were really close up to a point where she got serious with her boyfriend I guess. She withdrew herself out of my life for three years. We reunited less than a year ago. I didn’t mind the separation because I assumed it was puppy love. Now that she’s older, she should know better. Little, did I know, here comes that trend.
After we reunited she would call me whenever she needs to talk to someone. I was always there; all day, everyday. It’s not like I had a lot of time, but I made time for her because we were friends and I knew she needed me. Now that she has found another guy, she pushed me to the side like I was yesterday’s news. I call, no return, not even a text message.
I don’t think we could ever be close friends again. I don’t want to open up and be there for someone just to feel neglected in the end. It’s not that I need her in my life, it’s just that friends don’t ignore friends. I will still talk to her but I will not be there like I was before.
I was there before the guy. I should not get pushed to the side. If things doesn’t work out with this one, she needs to find someone else to be there. I’m not going to be there to cheer her up just so she can ignore me when someone new comes along.
Great friends will always be there. My time is precious therefore I will save it for someone better.
Update: I would say I should have been more understanding and not jump to conclusions. Everything was worked out. It was mostly my fault. I should not have jumped to conclusions. It was just a trend in my life for a while so I assumed this was the same.
So, I hate him but then I don’t. He intimidates me but I still enjoy talking to him. We say a bunch of nonsense but we’re always talking. There’s nothing to do when we’re together but we still hang out. I’m so totally twisted. Am I mad at myself? Yes.“I Hate Everything About You” - Three Days Grace
Sometimes I feel as though I have all these powers. That I can get someone to do something. I personally think I’m a lot of fun. I have a lot to offer. However, with everything that has been going on, I feel like I’m just playing a joke on myself. Things has not gone my way in a while. I feel as though I am a filler. Someone to be there until the next person comes along or for the other person to come back.
All these times, I thought I had dealt my cards correctly. As I sat back and thought of everything, I feel like I’m playing 52 cards pick up. Someone throws the cards down and it’s my job to sort them out, and hands it over to the next person.
I told myself that I was not going to be that gal that makes a guy better for the next girl. However, why am I seeing this now? Should one thing affect my views on everything that I thought I once saw clearly. Everything seems distorted. It seems as though all that I did was a contradiction to myself.
I hate being that girl that is afraid of making the first move. It just occurs to me that every first move that I make pulls me back a little. I hate repetition. I always pick the wrong person or I just make the wrong moves.
Is it true? Was this person right? Am I just in it for the chase? Sure, I sometimes say I am because I find it interesting. There are times when I just want everything to be laid out on the table for me to choose. Then again, this idea does not appeal to me very much.
This blog did not go according to the way I have planned it.
So, I cannot force someone to do something they do not want to do and that is hanging out with me. Therefore, I’m backing off and doing what I originally planned on doing. Friends? I’m letting them call all the shots. There’s no feeling of shame once it comes to friendship. You want my friendship? I’m going to be the best friend there is. You don’t make plans? Fine, spur of the moment works for me.
Lala, late night sucks. Off to bed for a productive day tomorrow or shall I say today.
I was trying to get myself in touch with the presidential candidate tonight. I was pretty sure I was voting for Mccain before. After reading all the articles they had online, I’m just not quite sure anymore. I know it’s the media’s job to bash on both of these candidates. I haven’t enough searching on Obama yet. I’m thinking I’ll probably have a tough time at the poll.
What I really want to see are the things that they can do for this country and not necessarily a comparison of the two. That is for me to decide and compare. It will be my first time at the poll and I’m hoping it’ll be an interesting one. However, I probably want to do the absentee ballot. Who knows where I’ll be in November. I probably won’t have time to drive home to where I’m registered at.
Right now, I think our economy is ridiculous. As a college student, it’s hard for me to make ends meet. Just my drive home cost me about an arm and a leg. Good thing we have public transportation at school. However, I heard that tuition was increasing and that my school did a budget cut. I just hope that it doesn’t put a damper onto my allowance.
I’m not sure how much the next president is going to help us with our economy. They have control, but how much can they help. And we all know politicians lie, so not every promise is going to be delivered. A speech is a speech; a campaign is a campaign; nothing more and nothing less.
I don’t care how well a candidate delivers a speech. I want to know that he will deliver the promises he made to the people. I don’t care about how well they speak, I care about how much change they can do.
I guess this is a different rambling than my normal nothingness.
So, I’m following a trend with the people I meet. I like those that keeps me on my tippie toes. I like them to be predictable but yet very unpredictable. However, these are the ones that does the most harm to me. Do I need to play enough games to finally realize that I’ve had enough? I know it’s bad for me now but it’s so much fun. I have to find enjoyment somewhere.
Man, I bitch a lot. I need to stop and be more laid back. I was told I expect too much. When I’m with someone, I want their full attention. I don’t think that’s too much to ask but apparently it is. I’m going to sit back and be more chilled about things.
Sometimes I don’t feel like I am a ‘best friend’. I just feel as if I am only remembered when there’s no one to hang out with. Maybe I’m not as important as you led me to become. Sure, I understand you very well, but how well do you understand me? Do you know that I hate being stood up or not receiving an expected phone call? If you tell me you’re going to do something or that we might be doing something, at least inform me if plans have changed. I hate that I don’t take our plans seriously anymore. I just think that maybe I would be forgotten…again. Maybe someone better might come along and you won’t remember to keep me informed about this plan. So I will not take plans with you seriously. It’s bad because in the end, I still care for you deeply. I still trust you with my personal feelings. That probably will never change.
The change in age leads to change in experience. My friend and I have been friends since we were about 12. Through out these years, we both have changed in almost every way possible. We have made many mistakes through out all these years but we still manage to be on the same page and help one another out. Sometimes talking about current situation makes me feel safe. As she has confirmed, she is not here to judge me, instead she’s here to give me a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. I guess I’m starting to realize a lot of what I am grateful for.
I just need a moment to take it in and to see where I have slipped. I opened my arms and now I have no idea where it’s leading me. I have lost all control and all I have left is a mess that needs fixing.
I can no longer want to be strong and to hold it all in. I must learn to express myself but how? How can I do such a girl like thing? I want to scream it out that I do care very much. That sometimes my words are just a facade so I do not have to explain how I really feel. I want to be able to be the weaker person, to let my guards down. To be held and know that I am safe. I want to feel vulnerable, to feel needy, to feel important, and to feel loved.
I have denied myself of all true feelings and now I am left out to dry; to have no one but myself. I must be the one to help myself up, to be the one to hold my own hand and experience this roller coaster alone.
I want to let go and know that it is okay and that someone will catch me if I let them. I don’t want to feel as though I have to be strong so that I will prevent myself from all emotional pain.
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