Ferventlous

Is it worth it to date a friend’s ex?

The reason the two broke up in the first place is because it did not work out.  And if they’re not compatible with your friend, there’s a chance that they won’t be compatible with you.  I always wonder should the person still be friends with their friend’s ex.  Friends can lead to other things and that’s not where a true friend would want to cross.  After a lot of consideration, I decided not to really talk to a friend’s ex-boyfriend because it might bother her eventhough she seemed like she was ok with it.  It’s something that I wouldn’t want to happen to me so I don’t want to be hypocritical.  I still feel uneasy that my friend is still talking to my ex even if it’s just as friends.  Exes or old flings are off limits to close friends.

However, if the situation were to occur, then do we just learn to bite our tongue and get over it?  Or does that lose all trust and the friendship is out the window.  I know that if a friend were to date an ex, it would hurt me terribly because the trust is gone.  This person was supposed to be my confidant.  Instead, after listening to my sob stories, they decided to make it worse.  They were the person that I went to when things were not going smoothly.  Now they’re using all that they know against me.  With these kinds of friends, I’m not sure if it’s worth sticking around for.  How can a person trust this person in the future?  I just hope that I never have to experience this.

If we were to forgive, can we fully forgive?  Can the hatchet be buried fully?  How can a person forgive so easily?  Is it because he just does not give a shit?  It’s not even my situation and I’m still bothered by it.

It’s only been a little while and I am picking at everything.  I don’t want to get hurt but I don’t want to let go.  I want to take the risk but are afraid of the consequences.

He wants to include me in his life but I am taking it for granted.  The ‘what ifs’ are running through my head.  I don’t want to be that stupid girl that makes all the wrong choices again.  I am putting up a front; my hard shell. Deep down, I know the things that I say now means nothing in the long run.

Right now I find my happiness as important.  I am happy and are having fun.  We’ll see what the next week brings.

As women, do we do things because we think it would make men happy?  Is it all for show?
There has been a trend that I keep seeing.  Once a female has a companion, she lives her life based on the guy.  It is whatever of convenience to him and she neglects herself.  As women, are we that vulnerable once it comes to companionship?  Would we waste all the independence that we have been accustomed to just because someone came into the picture?
It seems like the role that they play in front of a man is fictitious towards their own lives.  I am not including myself in this theory nor am I excluding myself.  We all can be strong women but are weak in front or towards the man that we assume to be ours.
We want to be personified by him as the person that we think he wants.
I must admit, I do share things with a man about myself because I want him to perceive me a different way.  I might exxagerate the truth a bit but it is still the quality that I possessed.

This thought came across because of a book that I am reading.  It is based on  a group of smart, and strong female.  In front of a guy, they just seemed weak and as though they do not have the mind that they would normally have if they are with someone else.

I have learned to smile again.  This is not a smile that comes out of habit but because there’s something to be happy about.  Sure, not everything is going according to plan but plans can be adjusted.  I’m living with a new plan now.  I no longer feel alone.

I am noticing all the things that I have once taken for granted. I always thought I needed a man to make me happy.  In reality, I just need myself and those people that has always been there.  It would be nice to have that someone special but that’s not necessary.  That’s just icing on the cake.  No matter the outcome, I’m still going to be happy.  He might be a filler in my life just so I can get back on my feet or he might be the real deal.  I just know that he made me happy.  I’m still young.  I still have a lot of time to date so no need.

I have realized the flaws that I have made in the past.  I no longer want to be with someone that makes me feel less of myself.  If they cannot accept me for all my flaws, then that’s fine.  They were never meant to be in my life anyways.

I love the person that I have turned out to be.  Luck isn’t always with me; but I have to look at things from another perspective.  One thing happened, that’s why something else better comes along.

I am trying to embrace myself and be happy with just me.

With many curve balls that I had to encounter for the past two years, I think it’s my time to be happy.  I have felt everything that a person should not be feeling.  I have been neglected, and led on.  With everything, I still stuck around if they needed me.  I put their feelings before mine.  Here I am crumbling down, and yet I ignored my feelings because the other person needs me.  But once they’re happy, I then was considered invisible.  This is my first time sincerely happy and swept off in a long time.  It’s the first time that I have not felt alone.  It’s the first time that I felt wanted in a long time.  I always had someone to talk to, but it just didn’t feel the same.  It just felt like I never deserved a person’s full attention.  The only time that I would get a sense of being wanted is when I feel the need to end everything.  I only feel wanted when I no longer want/need their company.   When I fall for the trap, that’s when I am neglected again.  I don’t want to be with someone just because of jealousy. So, for now I am happy; happy with myself.

I decided the reason for our many misinterpretation is because of my availability.  To change things up a little bit, I did what I did; to cut off our main line of communication.  I feel like sometimes I am being misunderstood.  I don’t freak out as much as I might make it seem.  Sure, I like to hear explanations about a lot of things and I like to talk about this and that which might be a sore topic, but that’s just a conversation. I’m not freaking out.

If I cut off a lot of conversation means, then maybe these things will occur less.  Maybe I would be less of an annoyance.   We tend to disagree way too much and you get mad at me way too easily.  If you actually care like you say you do, then our communication will not be lost.

I have only deleted one form of communications. There are a few others.

I’m sure if I told you my reasons, you wouldn’t think it’s logical and would get mad for it.  We are never on the same page because ‘I’m unreasonable’.  I do have weird mood changes and maybe they do occur one too many times.  I do this as a test to myself.

I am too agressive and I am consistent with the initiation.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing cause your answer doesn’t say much.  So here you go, no more initiation.  Maybe this will also give you a chance to replace me.  I used to think I wasn’t replacable; who am I kidding? I am, so have fun and enjoy.  If you don’t want to replace me or for me to disappear, I’m sure you’ll try something.  Until next time or until never.

Does everyone have a purpose for their existence?  I never see myself here to do something ‘great’.  I cannot be like MLK where I change the life of millions.  I am just here to make very few people happy.  Sometimes I think, I’m just here to fill up space on this earth.  But should I be sad or feel unaccomplished because of that?  I don’t see it as that way.

I do, however, feel sad that I cannot bring happiness towards myself.  If I cannot provide myself with happiness, then how can I provide it to others?  Sometimes I think that my existence does not affect the life around me.  I do one thing, and then I seem to take it all back.  I make many mistakes and I bring a lot of hatred along the way.  I tried but failed.

I learned to swallow my pride and do what makes me feel happy.  If I have to be the first to say lets make up, then I will.  I decided that there are no benefits to winning every argument cause at the end, you lose.  If it’s not losing pride, then you’re losing your happiness.

I know I tend to be hard headed.  I’m usually not the first to say I’m sorry and actually mean it.  I’m not usually the first to say, lets put everything aside and just go with it.  I’m usually in it to fight tooth and nail.  However, what has that led me to?  Many endless fights, sleepless nights, and hurtful feelings.  I’m just inflicting pain on myself.  If it’s minor, I decided that it’s ok to put my guards down, set my stubbornness to the side and say ‘lets make up’.

I don’t care why we fought.  I don’t care that there were a lot of misinterpretation because in the end, the point was understood.  So why can’t one of us back down and be happy again?  There’s no pride to be gained because it’s a stupid thing to fight about.  So no matter if you win or lose, it’s still stupid.   Why would you focus on the little battles and lose the war in the end?

We are living in a world where everyone is thinking about themselves.  Has it ever occurred to anyone that others matter?

As I thought he was going forward, he decided to move 50 steps backwards.  I thought maybe, just maybe, he has changed.  Maybe he was willing to open up a little more.  What I’m looking for is  openness.  I’m not asking for feelings, nor am I looking for a commitment.  A friendship requires communication and that’s exactly what I was trying to develop.

He decided it might be best if we stopped talking because it might add more feelings for him.  Has it ever occurred to him that my feeling matters?  I’m in it too.  I want to have a say in this ‘friendship’ that he wants to cut off too.  However, this ‘friendship’ has always been about him.  It’s about how his day went, and how he’s feeling.  Maybe I want to talk about myself and how my day went.  But he never bothered to reciprocate the question. Yes, I too have bad days.  I do face difficult times and I do get overly stressed.

He doesn’t seem to think about my feelings about us stopping our line of communication.  Sure, out of bitterness, I told him that I could wipe him out of my life easily and that I could care less.  That doesn’t mean that he’s out of my mind.  No one can be out of anyone’s mind in a drop of a hat.  He doesn’t care because how I feel doesn’t affect to him.

Here I thought, as I get older, dating would become simpler.  However, no one calls it dating anymore or maybe I’m just picking all the wrong guys.  When they feel something, they run away.   Is it ever so hard to say what you mean and how you feel?  I’m not asking for someone to be as expressive as I am because that might be impossible.  It’s nice to express a little bit of feelings.  It’s not a crime to have feelings.  How can you have faith if you don’t have feelings?  If we avoid our feelings, does it mean that it goes away?

Maybe I should learn to shut up and not express my feelings at all.  Maybe I should go back to the way I was.  If someone tells me how they feel, then I just apreciate it and say thank you.  Maybe my feelings shouldn’t be heard.  Apparently, it’s not being taken too well or too seriously.  At the end of the day, no one really gives a shit about how the other person feels; it’s just how they feel.  They only really hope they have a good night sleep.

With the things that I blurted out, I was hoping for a stronger reaction; a more verbal reaction.  I felt a change in mood.  You became speechless and our conversation stalled.  However, you would not admit that it did bother you.  Has it ever occurred to you that what you said meant something?  It could probably change something.

I said the things I said because I was expecting a reaction.  but I guess nothing I say matters.  Your reaction shined through but why won’t you admit it instead of letting me think that I was wrong?  It’s not like I’m trying to switch courts. You change mood so rapidly that I never seem to know.

Why be afraid to run away from something?  Face your fears; say what you want to say even if it’s bad and move on.

I guess I should be telling myself that instead.